There’s this terrible rumor out there. You’ve probably read it somewhere or seen it on TV. It’s that happy couples don’t fight.
事实是，每一种关系都不是没有战斗或争论的 - 无论是亲密的朋友，伴侣，同事还是家人。我的朋友们，人际关系并不总是是玫瑰床。实际上，它们非常混乱且复杂。
Fighting certainly doesn’t give anyone the warm fuzzies, but it’s actually a normal and inevitable part of any “healthy relationship.” It can be as trivial as taking out the garbage to more significant as fundamental beliefs and concerns.
“Fighting or arguing doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” said Jerimya Fox, a licensed professional counselor and a doctor of behavioral health at横幅行为健康医院在亚利桑那州斯科茨代尔。“实际上，有很多原因可能是一件好事。”
Reasons why it’s healthy to fight:
- 它可以通过建立和维持信任来增强您的关系。“We need to be able to have arguments and discussions to be able to maintain relationships,” Dr. Fox said. “Beyond the argument, you can build the trust.”
- 你会感觉更好。“If you withhold or don’t express yourself, then you’ll inherently feel bad,” Dr. Fox said. “By sharing with your partner or person and vice versa, you’ll have a better understanding of one another’s thoughts, feelings and opinions.”
- It improves your own character and personality.“These arguments make you learn ways to adapt and possibly change,” Dr. Fox said.
- 这是人性。福克斯博士说：“我们肯定不是完美的。”“我们没有完美的人，也没有完美的人际关系或情况。这意味着我们也不会总是看到眼睛。”
尽管冲突不一定会破坏关系，但我们如何处理这种关系。差异会激发许多情绪，例如愤怒或怨恨。不过，这一切的好消息是，您可以学会与公平战斗。这样一来，您就可以打扫卫生，并且可以最终作为赢家出来。这是做的方法。
公平战斗的10条规则：
1. Before you begin, ask yourself, “Why am I upset?”
It’s important to check in with yourself and see why what this person is saying or doing is so triggering. Is it about the issue at hand or is there really something else that’s bothering you?
例如,你的论点是关于overflowing trash that your husband always seems to overlook, or is it that you feel like you are bearing the brunt of the housework and need more help?
2. Forget what you think you know about the person.
您可能已经认识这个人多年了。您甚至可能知道他们最深，最黑暗的秘密，但“您一无所知，乔恩·斯诺（Jon Snow）。”他们无法读懂您的想法，您无法读到他们的想法。不要以为您知道他们在想什么，感觉或会说什么。反之亦然。取而代之的是，好像这是您刚在街上或工作中遇到的人。
“The reason for this is that when you enter into a conflict, you make assumptions about the person you’re in conflict with,” Dr. Fox. “When you remove those things, it makes listening and resolving the issue easier.”
3.考虑安排讨论。
这不仅给您时间deep breathe您可能会在一个问题上遇到任何愤怒，紧张或焦虑，但这也使您俩都可以通过脆弱性与受到攻击的感觉进行对话。
4.一次讨论一个问题。
Now is not the time to bring up your laundry list of issues or irrelevant details just to prove your point. In an effort to “win” the fight, you may be tempted to prove your “rightness” and their “wrongness,” but don’t do it. Focus on one issue at a time before moving on to another.
5.避免呼叫，角色攻击，他说/她说。
当紧张局势高时，有时爪子出来了。缩回那些爪子。避免撞下皮带或与他人士气说话。目前可能感觉很好，但是从长远来看，它可能会对您的关系造成真正的损害。专注于手头的话题，而不是另一个人的角色。
6.使用“ I”语句。
Use “I” messages to described feelings of anger, hurt or disappointment, such as, “I feel scared when …” or “I feel hurt when …”. Avoid “you” messages, such as, “You make me angry when …”
7. Take turns speaking and listening.
Invite them to share their points of view and use active listening skills. Be careful not to interrupt, and genuinely try to hear them out. Then try and restate what you heard. Saying something like, “So, what I’m hearing you say is that …” is one way to let them know you fully understood.
8. Really important: Don’t yell. Instead, take a time out.
大喊大叫不能帮助任何人看到您的观点。相反，它发送的消息只有您的话很重要。如果事情正在升级或加热，请花点时间。同意一个时间回来并讨论每个人平静下来的问题。
9. Seek a compromise or understanding.
There’s not always a perfect answer to an argument. Sometimes life is too messy for that. Do your best to compromise (that give and take; that yin and yang). If you can’t compromise, simply try to seek to understand each other’s perspectives.
10. Set “fair fight” boundaries.
One way to play fair during a fight is to create boundaries before your next fight. Set some agreed upon ground rules so you can maintain respect and civility. These might include a zero tolerance for yelling, name-calling or stonewalling—refusing to speak or retreating.
如果什么都没有用
有时，您已经进行了一场良好，健康的战斗，但似乎无法解决冲突。当这件事发生时，与专业人士交谈可以帮助。
福克斯博士说：“关系发生冲突的原因之一是，这标志着双方的变化。”“你不是同一个人。您当然没有相同的想法和感受。您必须在这种关系的背景下记住令人惊奇的事情。这就是中等健康的战斗有助于改善人际关系的地方。但是，如果您遇到愤怒和蔑视，那么可能是时候进行治疗干预了。”
A trained mediator can help you communicate more effectively and help you and/or your partner work your way through to a solution. You can visitbannerhealth.com在您附近找到行为健康专家。您还可以通过公司的EAP计划找到专家，或与您的健康保险公司联系以寻求帮助。
Last word
请记住，冲突是正常的 - 确实是不可避免的。但是，如果管理得很好，它可以用来加强与他人的关系。因此，在您与某人“抛弃”之前，请注意上面的建议和技巧，以确保您进行良好，公平的斗争。
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